5 Signs Family Enmeshment May Be Affecting Your Clients’ Mental Health

Every family has a certain degree of closeness that helps them push through tough phases of life. Many people lean on their parents and siblings to share their secrets, and everyone shows up for the big moments to celebrate them together.

However, there’s a line when that closeness can become harmful, which psychologists describe as “enmeshment.”

The term “enmeshment” was first introduced by family therapist Salvador Minuchin in the 1970s.^[1] It is an extreme form of emotional closeness in which people get so overly involved in each other’s lives that they lose a sense of their own identity.

In this post, we discuss the signs that indicate a client’s mental health has been affected by family enmeshment, and what you can do to support them through it.

5 Signs That Enmeshment Is Impacting Mental Health

Research defines the concept of enmeshment as when two or more people are involved in each other’s activities to an excessive degree.^[1] Consequently, it has some negative mental health effects.

Here are some signs that may indicate a client has an enmeshed family.

1. They Feel Responsible for Everyone Else’s Emotions

If a client ever feels like they are responsible for fixing the mood of the house when their mother is upset, or if their sibling is anxious and they feel like they caused it, they might live in an enmeshed family environment.

Growing up this way conditions someone into noticing the needs of others instead of tending to their own. It is also described as “poor differentiation of self.”

Differentiation of self is a person’s ability to maintain their own identity while they stay emotionally connected to others.^[2] In enmeshment, people can become so emotionally connected that their sense of self depends entirely on someone else’s mood.

And when a client feels responsible for everyone else’s mood, they may also feel guilty resting and relaxing or for just being happy when someone else in the family is not.

2. They Find it Hard to Set Healthy Boundaries

Enmeshed families usually never draw their boundaries clearly, so as an adult, a client might not even know what a boundary should look like.

When someone keeps something to themselves in such an environment, it may feel like lying or betraying their family. Also, any request they get from a family member might feel more like a demand that they can not refuse, no matter what.

Naturally, this difficulty can follow people outside the family too. Research shows that enmeshment often leads to difficulty regulating one’s own emotions, and it can also negatively affect future relationships.^[3]

Therefore, people who grow up in enmeshed families can have trouble developing balanced, appropriate friendships with peers.

3. They Experience Constant Guilt When Choosing Themselves

In an enmeshed family, an ordinary act of self-care, like skipping a family event to rest or to spend a Saturday doing something just for oneself, can trigger guilt. The emotion is completely out of proportion to the situation.

Enmeshed systems tend to value togetherness over independence, not considering whether or not it makes each individual happy.

The guilt can be intense enough to prevent a client from moving away or from disagreeing with their parents even as an adult. It might cause a pit in their stomach every time they prioritize their own goals.

4. Their Mood Depends on Family Approval

A person who was raised in an enmeshed family can have their entire week ruined because of a cold comment from a parent. This happens because their self-worth was never fully separated from the family’s opinion of them, so their internal compass got wired to point toward external approval instead of their own values.

Children from enmeshed families are also more likely to develop an anxious attachment style.^[4] And, according to attachment theory, those with anxious attachment have a built-in radar for rejection, where any small shifts in a parent’s tone can set off big emotional reactions.

So, if a client’s mood varies based on whether their family seems pleased with them, this could be a sign their mental health is being affected by enmeshment.

5. Their Identity Feels Tied to Your Family

An enmeshed adult child might always find a way to mention their family when they are asked their preferences, what their values are, what they want from life, and so on.

This is because, in enmeshed households, a person’s identity is never really allowed to form separately from their parents’ opinions.

The lack of personal identity can make a client feel lost if they have to make a decision alone. It may also lead them to pick careers or partners that please their family rather than themself. And when they achieve the things they thought they wanted, they might feel a strange emptiness inside.

What Are the Mental Health Effects of Enmeshed Family Relationships?

People who grow up in enmeshed families have a higher incidence of developing mental health disorders.

For example, people living in enmeshed settings may have unfulfilled emotional needs that they seek to fulfill through their children. Further, research suggests that people with depression tend to rely on their adolescent/adult children for support. And the child taking on the emotional burdens of a parent can develop depression of their own.^[5]

Additionally, people raised in an enmeshed family who never got the chance to practice standing on their own two feet emotionally may develop anxiety when they have to live alone.^[6]

The incidence of substance misuse is also high among those with emotional discomfort. Further, adolescents with overly involved parents are at higher risk of developing eating disorders, particularly anorexia nervosa. There is evidence that parent-child relationship problems are more common among people with eating disorders than those without.^[7]

How to Help Clients Overcome Enmeshment Trauma

Healing from enmeshment trauma is often a long process that takes consistent baby steps. Unfortunately, there’s no shortcut to recovery.

It begins only after a client recognizes that the family dynamic they are in is not healthy. They cannot just explain it away as “We’re just really close” if it costs them their mental health.

You can support them by encouraging them to start setting boundaries in small, low-stakes situations, for example, by saying “no” to a minor request without making themself feel guilty for it. Or by sharing an opinion that’s different from their family members’. These small actions can make bigger boundaries feel less intimidating.

Also, they can learn to separate their feelings from those of others. Many times, what they might feel is not their actual emotions but what they absorb from their surroundings.

Journaling is another option for them. Writing about their emotions can help them slowly build a private space where their feelings get to exist without needing to match anyone else’s mood.

Their interests, goals, hobbies, friendships, and so on may have been developed to keep the family unit comfortable. Part of healing is deliberately building things that are just theirs, like pursuing a personal goal that is not influenced by anyone, or forming new relationships with people who share their values.

In many cases of enmeshment, people feel unable to make such changes in their life by themselves. However, as their therapist, you can help them explore how their patterns of enmeshment developed in life and the impact they have had on their decisions.

You can also use evidence-based techniques, like emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy, and so on, to help them build a healthy relationship with their loved ones.

Get Additional Support for Clients Recovering From Family Enmeshment With AMFM Healthcare

At AMFM Healthcare, we provide residential mental health treatment through our AMFM (A Mission For Michael) Mental Health Treatment programs. This level of care allows clients who want to untangle themselves from an enmeshed family system to get treatment in a calm, comfortable environment.

Our treatment centers are well-appointed gender-specific and gender-inclusive homes located in California, Virginia, and Washington.

The AMFM Mental Health Treatment clinical team uses evidence-based therapies, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, and attachment-based family therapy. All our clients also get thorough psychiatric evaluations and medication management if their mental health has been complicated by co-occurring anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms.

If you suspect that a client is exhibiting the signs of enmeshment and you’re unsure how to support them, we can offer advice. Don’t hesitate to call us at 844-690-0205 to find out how we can help.