Why Holiday Gatherings Can Intensify Family Conflict: What It Means for the Families We Treat

For many people, the holidays are a time to reconnect with family and celebrate cherished traditions. However, for others, the same holidays can become some of the most emotionally demanding times of the year.

A study by the American Psychological Association shows that 89% of surveyed US adults report experiencing higher stress levels during holiday periods. And anticipated family conflict was one of the main reasons why.^[1]

For people in dysfunctional families, holiday gatherings can feel especially overwhelming. They can force them to face unresolved tensions and deal with unhealthy relationship patterns in a time that should be spent in rest and relaxation.

In this post, we’ll go over why dysfunctional family dynamics can intensify during the holidays and share practical tips that can aid you in supporting families’ mental well-being during this season.

What Is a Dysfunctional Family?

Every family experiences conflict from time to time – disagreements, parenting mistakes, and intense, high-stress periods are all normal parts of family life. Dysfunctional families, however, are different. In such families, unhealthy behaviors are the norm rather than the exception, and these behaviors affect how family members communicate, relate to one another, and meet one another’s emotional needs.^[2]

The American Psychological Association defines a dysfunctional family as one where “relationships or communication are impaired, and members are unable to attain closeness and self-expression.” Plus, usually one member in the family is the “identified patient.”^[3][4]

Further, the McGraw-Hill Dictionary of Modern Medicine defines a dysfunctional family as a “family with multiple internal or external conflicts that affect the basic needs of the family unit.”^[5]

Types of dysfunctional families can vary depending on the dynamics of the family, but they usually involve one or more of these patterns:

Frequent Conflict or Abuse

Where arguments, intimidation, or emotional, sexual, or physical violence are a regular part of family life.

Emotional Neglect or Unavailability

Where parents or caregivers consistently dismiss a child’s emotional needs, withhold affection, or are unable to provide the support and reassurance children need to feel safe and valued.

Major Family Secrets or Denial

Around serious issues that family members are expected to ignore, such as infidelity, untreated mental health conditions, domestic violence, financial problems, and so on.

Parentification of Children

When a child takes on responsibilities that are not age-appropriate, such as caring for younger siblings, mediating conflicts between adults, or providing emotional support to a parent.

Controlling or Overly Critical Behavior

When children are punished for expressing themselves, expected to meet unrealistic standards, or made to feel that love and approval depend on obedience, achievement, or keeping the family image intact.

Experiencing occasional conflict doesn’t automatically make a family dysfunctional. However, if some of the patterns discussed above are present, ongoing, and prevent family members from feeling emotionally safe, respected, and supported, that is an indication of a dysfunctional family system.

Why Dysfunctional Family Patterns Get Worse During the Holidays

Holiday gatherings often leave people feeling stressed, anxious, emotionally drained, or on edge.

This is because the holidays bring families together for longer periods of time, and this can act as a trigger for unresolved conflict and unhealthy relationship patterns.

If a client grew up in a dysfunctional family, here are some reasons why their family’s unhealthy habits may be more noticeable and difficult during the holidays:

Pressure to Keep the Peace

In the holiday season, there is often an unspoken expectation that everyone should just “get along” and focus on making happy memories. In dysfunctional families, this can mean that a client might be forced into overlooking unresolved conflict or pretending past hurt never happened.

If they’re consistently pressured to “just enjoy the holidays,” this leaves little room for them to acknowledge difficult emotions and can result in them feeling isolated or misunderstood.

Old Family Roles Can Return

Even if a client has lived apart from their family and experienced years of personal growth, it is very common to fall back into familiar family roles during holiday gatherings. They might find themselves taking on their old role as the peacemaker, the scapegoat, or the person who feels responsible for everyone else’s emotions.

These long-established patterns can be difficult to break, especially if they re-enter a situation where other family members are exhibiting and expecting the same dynamics.

Difficulty Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Spending more time with family can make it harder for a client to maintain the boundaries that support their emotional well-being. For example, their family might ask intrusive questions, dismiss their feelings and need for space, or expect them to participate in situations that leave them feeling uncomfortable.

Experiencing More Guilt

In dysfunctional families, guilt is often used (whether intentionally or unintentionally) to discourage members from setting boundaries or making choices that prioritize their well-being. A client may be made to feel selfish for declining an invitation, limiting their time at a gathering, or saying “no” to an uncomfortable conversation.

In the holiday season, this can make it particularly hard to distinguish between genuine obligation and emotional manipulation. As a result, they may feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy – often at the expense of their own mental health.

Stress Can Amplify Unhealthy Behavior

The holiday season can be particularly stressful because of factors like financial strain, hosting responsibilities, travel, packed schedules, and so on. While these things don’t create dysfunctional family dynamics, they can make existing unhealthy behaviors more pronounced.

Family members who are already controlling, critical, dismissive, or emotionally reactive can become even less patient and more likely to lash out. Because of proximity and pressure, unhealthy communication patterns can become worse, making it difficult to have calm, respectful interactions.

Tips for Helping Clients Deal With Their Dysfunctional Family During the Holiday Season

Spending the holidays with a dysfunctional family can be an extremely difficult and isolating experience.

Even if a client has created some distance and has come to recognize their family’s unhealthy patterns, it can be difficult for them to respond differently in the moment, especially when they’re back in a familiar dynamic.

While they unfortunately cannot control how their family will behave during the holiday season, there are some steps they can take to protect their emotional well-being.

These could help make the season a little more manageable for them. You could help your client understand that they:

1. Don’t Have to Fix Their Family

It is natural for a client to hope that this year will be different. Maybe old arguments won’t come up, or someone in the family will finally acknowledge the hurt and damage they have caused.

While it’s understandable for them to have this hope around the holiday season, it can often lead them to unfairly place the responsibility for changing their family dynamic upon themself. And if things don’t turn out how they wished or their expectations from the holidays remain unfulfilled, they could be left feeling even more disappointed.

In such circumstances, the healthiest approach might be for them to accept that they can only control their own actions, not anyone else’s.

2. Can Choose What Their Boundaries Look Like in Advance

It can be much harder to set boundaries in the middle of a difficult conversation, particularly when emotions are running high. Encourage your client to think about what they’re comfortable with and what their limits are before the family gathering comes up. This can mean things like declining to discuss certain topics, stepping outside for a bit if a situation is triggering, or leaving the setting earlier than they had planned.

3. Shouldn’t Feel Pressured to Engage in Every Conflict

In dysfunctional families, it can be easy to get pulled into familiar arguments or feel responsible for defending oneself against unfair and critical remarks. But not every criticism deserves a response, and your client doesn’t need to resolve every disagreement. If they sense that a conversation is likely to be hurtful or unproductive, it is okay to step away, avoid conflict, or try to change the conversation in whatever way feels easiest.

4. Can Make Space for People Who Make Them Feel Safe

If a client’s interactions with their family are repeatedly emotionally draining, they could choose to take some time away from family and spend it with people who make them feel loved and cared for. Whether that’s a close friend, a partner, a support group, or someone they trust, these relations can act as helpful “safe people” to check in with before or after a family gathering.

Spending time with relatives is not the only marker of a holiday well spent. If a client needs to, they can lean on their chosen family and friends during this difficult time.

AMFM Healthcare: Support for Navigating Family Challenges

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can shape the way someone views themself and their relationships well into their adult life. But this does not have to define their future. With the right support, it is possible to process their experiences, build healthier boundaries, and create new patterns that support their emotional well-being. And you can help them do so.

If you ever feel stuck on how to best offer support, AMFM Healthcare is available to provide advice. We use personalized, evidence-based approaches to help people move beyond symptom management toward lasting recovery, resilience, and a renewed sense of hope.

Our team takes the time to understand people’s unique experiences and develop a personalized treatment plan to deliver the best possible level of care for them. And we can help you do the same.

Reach out by calling us at 844-690-0205 to learn about additional ways to support clients dealing with dysfunctional families during the holiday period.